My Mother’s Bookcase and the I AM Presence.

My mother had an amazing bookcase. It was filled end to end and top to bottom with all sorts of books. Books on ancient Egypt, religion, the lives of the the saints. A set of 1948 encyclopedias, reference books, geometry, trig, and all sorts of fiction. There were space exploration books, mindfulness books and even some Chicken Soup for the Soul.

When I was 12 I found a very interesting book in my mother’s bookcase. It was pink. I’ve always disdained pink. I don’t even know what caused me to pull it out. I hadn’t even noticed it before. Besides being pink it had one of those line drawings of a 1950’s era housewife on the cover, big puffed out skirt and all. I think there may have also been an image of a teenaged girl on the cover as well. I don’t quite remember. I don’t even remember the title or author name. What I do remember is the magic that was inside it.

This indistinct pink book that from all appearances looked like a handbook for being a good housewife in the 50’s assisted me in my ability to manifest, intend and affirm more than I could have ever guessed. This book spoke of the Universal Divine Feminine, how to tap into it, and how to affirm it. It dealt with becoming and talked about how we are sparks of the Universal Light Force, in exact replica, miniaturized. There were tons and tons of affirmations all starting with the words “I AM”.

I AM. Powerful creatrix tool. Extremely powerful. Being present and aware in the I AM. Magical.

  • I AM the Universal Life Force as expressed through the Divine Feminine.
  • I AM powerful, vibrant, aware.
  • I AM graceful, beautiful, compelling.
  • I AM nurturing, kind, loving.
  • I AM (insert desired adjective here.)

Not only did this crazy pink book have reams of I AM affirmations and various ideas for how to manifest through affirmations that which you desire to experience or be, but it also had clear instructions on how to actually make affirmations work. I learned how connect to the divine source within me. How to be present and mindful to it’s presence within my presence. I learned how to use the power of this sort of presence to FEEL what each and every word I was affirming felt like from the inside, out.

Granted, I had already read a Shirley McClaine book which taught me how to actually focus on my energy field in order to become a better “feeling” psychic. (auditory, knowing, feeling, visual, you get it.) So I had some practice with feeling what things felt like.

I made a list and hand wrote two sheets of affirmations then taped them to the wall at the head of my bed. At night I would sit there and read them while meditating upon them.

It took some days of practice for me to get from dealing with a fidgety mental state, reading the words too fast and hollow, feeling like I was faking it, to really slowing down and feeling each and every word-concept to it’s fullest.

Soon enough I was slowly savoring each and every word. Not moving on until I was satisfied that I had felt the perfect embodiment of each and every title and adjective.

I remember going over those affirmations for months and months.

Those affirmations and the process of learning how to embody and in turn vibrate the essence of them reshaped everything I knew about existence, and how we can shape it via focusing on our own personal divine presence.

Thank Goddess for mother’s and their magic bookcases.

New Beginnings

Full Moon. Lunar Eclipse. Spider Woman and Dragons.

After the morning of the eclipse I experienced an intense evening of self revelation, truth telling and tears. I had been mucking about in the dark corners of my soul. Searching for the root causes of my problems, my uncomfortable emotions and character flaws.

I dug deep. Searching for my true self. My authentic self.

Spider Woman was over for our weekly visit. She shared with me a video tarot spread for those who felt drawn to watch. She had told me that her intuition kept calling my name when she came across it. So we watched it together. The spread was about endings, new beginnings, and moving into one’s true identity.

That’s when all hell broke loose.

Spider Woman sat with me through all my self revelations, all my admissions, angsts, turmoil and tears. I had big decisions to make. Huge lifestyle changes loomed over my head. I had to undo all of who I thought I was in order to get to who I really AM.

I was terrified.

This went on in rolls between fear, guilt, knowing full well what I needed energetically, tears and calm sadness. Then at one point Spider Woman leaned in close, her energy directed at me in full force, and said “You got this. I’ve never been so certain of anything in my entire life, but I know right now, YOU GOT THIS.”

Powerful words. I was struck by the calm intensity of the moment. I sank into the sensation of it.

I GOT THIS.

In attempting to let this take over me I also struggled for a while. Self doubt, fear of the future and things of that nature came bubbling up from those deep dark recesses of my inner landscape. All the while, Spider Woman kept leaning in with a deep strong knowing. “You got this.”

She stayed with me that night until I had settled into a type of calm I don’t recall experiencing before. It almost seemed like confidence, but no, it was not confidence. Confidence sprang from this new sensation. After a while of silent deliberation I was finally able to put a word to it.

Secure.

I felt extremely and undoubtedly SECURE in myself. Secure in the revelations I had had. Secure in the decisions I had made. And most importantly, secure in what I desired my future to be and where I saw Spirit directing me. I sat there and let this new feeling move through me. Build within me. Be ME.

Later that night as I was settling myself into bed, I felt a presence manifest at my back. As I opened my awareness to perceive what it was I realized a dragon had come to visit. He was gold and brown. Pressing himself up against me from behind. Breathing at the back of my right ear. Yes, I was quite surprised, but at the same time, not surprised.

As I fully embraced the experience, acknowledging him and allowing his energy to sink into my spinal column (think kundalini serpent guardian of the gates) I began to feel the essence that is Dragon.

Powerful, fierce, determined, wise beyond measure and more.

The experience was so deep and so very powerful I almost forgot to interact with this dragon as an entity in his own right. So I decided to let him know that I wanted to be pals. Let him know that I would interact with him personally and regularly. He was most certainly offering himself as a totem and I should not let that be a one way street. When I expressed this level of familiarity and desire he responded by playfully nuzzling the left side of my head and ticklish parts of my neck. Joy beamed from every photon of the two of us.

So now I walk with a dragon at my back.

I GOT THIS.

starry night

Full Moon. Lunar eclipse. Spider Woman and Circles.

“We are weaving a new way, Stitching revolutions together, Spinning new worlds from our Wombs, Dreaming back the wild edges of our Souls, Calling forth that what has been lost. We are women of the Womb, Maddened by love into action, We are men of the heart, Softened into surrender, Afraid only of not feeling. We are thinking in a web, Your thread holds mine together. We are taleweavers and troubadours, Telling the words that were broken, Singing the songs of longing. We are weaving a new way, Using the thread of pain, Spinning it back into gold.”
~Seren Swannesha Bertrand

So there we are, the two of us. Spider Woman and me, Mama Jedi. We CAN have a circle with just two of us, RIGHT? Gotta start somewhere. Sitting on the bed cross legged facing each other we began to discuss why we felt we needed a women’s circle and what we were going to do with it. Seeing as how Spider Woman and I have just recently met we spent most of the time sharing about ourselves, our needs, our desires, our levels of awareness, what we wanted in a women’s circle and so on.

I didn’t ever get to use the paper and pen I brought. The enthusiasm and desire to connect on a deep spiritual level with another woman who possessed the same enthusiasm and desires as I was enough to keep me talking and sharing and going on the entire time allotted for our meeting. We decided that paper and pen may not be necessary at this stage of the game. Our desire for connection, support, space for mystical being-ness and the sharing of that desire was enough to begin with.

Organic spirit flow manifests the right time and place for anything and everything.

Curious about Spider Woman? Click here.

Synchro Mystic Visions